Thursday, March 31, 2005

mouth from the ass face

the other convo with liz was just...ridiculous. as they usually are. talking to liz is something akin to participating in a live episode of "curb your enthusiasm" or "seinfeld". usually, at least one bizarre story is told, and if not told, then a bizarre situation likely manifests during the time spent with her. it's ludicrous. she's a nutjob and i love her like a sister.

one time in college, we went to see the old witch downtown. this was in ashland, oregon. i have no idea if the old witch still has a storefront on main street or not, but it was a tiny shop filled with sticks and colorful stones and the scent of something nasty and earthy. there was a lot of black draped around the walls and a small table to the side with a crystal ball on it. her name was dorothy - which is a little humorous because she DID want to be known as a witch (and got her wish since that's what everybody called her anyway) and her name makes me think of the wizard of oz and the wicked witch of the west, glenda the big tits witch, blah blah blah. yet, she's "dorothy". and not like she was an evil witch, by any means anyway...i don't know. i just found it peculiar.

we had contemplated visiting dorothy NUMEROUS times, but always liz would chicken out because she is a total chickenshit. finally, during the summer of our sophomore year, we stepped inside dorothy's faux-cavernous shop and sat down for a "reading" with her. the reading consisted of her throwing runes, little tablets with some sort of wacky scrall on them. me, i don't care for runes. i looked into them in 9th grade and they didn't do much for my aesthetic tastes. dorothy charged us $13 for a 15-minute reading, each. "13" was her lucky number, she told us. how original.

first she read liz's runes. then mine. but i'll tell you what. she might as well have read for just one of us so we could save ourselves thirteen bucks because she said nearly identical bullshit to each of us - and we were there for each other's readings is what's stupid! nevertheless, it seemed her bottomline main point of our twin readings was that we were each "very fertile" and needed to "guard against unwanted pregnancy". hmm...let me get this straight. two young women come into your shop of horrors asking for readings. both look like pals, and COLLEGE-AGED ass to mouth. you throw a couple tablets down and hit the tablets with your little stick pulled off of some poor tree outside and declare that the girls are very fertile and should guard against pregnancy. that's rich. both girls thank you profusely for your insightful warning and promise to heed your advice.

then one girl (that would be me) sees a tiny water fixture on your countertop. atop the water fixture is a little basin in which sit tiny tufts of feathery material - horse hair? cat hair? what is this shit? a bowl full of pennies sits next to the fixture. she asks you what this is all about. you tell her that it's a wishing well of sorts and she need only place a penny in the bowl and take a tuft and place it in her purse or wallet, making a wish as she does so. she'll know her wish will (or has) come true when the tuft has disappeared. the girl, having just witnessed a weak reading of her fertile future with you, figures a penny's worth nothing anyway so she might as well make a wish and take some of the stuff. in her head, she wishes that the boy who she had loved for several years - her very first boyfriend and the only one she'd ever felt close to - would call her. they'd had a falling out months earlier and she'd had continuous nightmares of seeing him in her dreams and having him walk right past her - like she didn't exist to him anymore - which was pretty much how she felt in reality. she places the tuft of weirdness in her coin wallet and walks out the door with her pal.

the next day, she's awoken by her roommate. the phone's for her. it's the boy. after the call ends two hours later, she grabs her wallet and looks inside. aside from a few coins, there is nothing in it. not even tuft residue.

no shit.

liz, of course, hears this story and freaks out. she promptly gets herself on birth control and buys more condoms at the drugstore for her boyfriend. both girls refuse to even walk on the side of the street dorothy's shop sits on after that.

Friday, February 11, 2005

big sausage pizza

Can we start today over again? Please?

I had a tire blow out on my way to work this morning. It's the 3rd tire blow out I've had in the past 2 years. And they've all happened on the same stretch of construction on the Marquette Interchange. I'm so frustrated! I'm ready to send a bill to the State of Wisconsin for all the money the construction project has cost me in flat tires and towing fees.

I had to pay the road side assistance guy $47.52 to change my tire. A new tire is just about $100, which includes "mounting, balancing, and removal" fee. Of course, you can't buy just one tire, so I have to get two. But I can't afford two tires, in fact, I couldn't afford the one tire, but my boss gave me an advance on my paycheck so I can get the new tire. I'll have to re-adjust my budget this payday to get the 2nd tire. *sigh* I have a really good boss though, she told me to pay her back in two installments. I really really really love my job!

As stressed out as I am, I'm still relieved because it could have been worse. Much worse. I'm going to Green Bay Friday night for the Big Tits Family Fun Night. The Packers are hosting the Buffalo Bills for a scrimmage on Friday night. It's a sold out event, and I have 6 tickets in the horseshoe area of Lambeau Field. It's pretty way up there, but I'm happy just to have tickets. Do you wanna see where I'm sitting? Look for Section 344, and I'm in row 2, seats 3 - 8.

I'm grateful that the tire blew out when it did, because I couldn't even imagine it happening on the drive to Green Bay, or worse, on the way back, at night. Creepy